The Satirical Irony

A SATIRICAL IRONY

Starring the Full Perth Proclaimer Cast
M-rated, high-satire, blog-grade, no BBQs, no circuses - only chaos, wisdom and absolute comedic warfare.

PROLOGUE: THE WORLD HAS GONE SIDEWAYS

Reality died sometime around 2016.
No one announced it. There was no funeral.
It simply slipped away, replaced by a livestream of unhinged commentary and algorithmic manipulation hosted by teenagers with ring lights.

The only people who noticed the death of reality were the Perth Proclaimer crew, because they’ve been stuck living between realms for years. They saw it coming. They smelled it. They watched the memes rise like smoke signals of stupidity.

And now, standing on the edge of 2028, every character from the Proclaimer universe has been summoned.

Something is off.
Something big.
Something too stupid to be evil and too coordinated to be accidental.

Enter…
The Seventeen Commandments of the Global Busybody Council.

But let’s not spoil the punchline yet.

CHAPTER I: GHOSTS, PROPHETS AND UNELECTED GLOBAL BUSYBODIES

The Ghost of Sean Connery appears first.
Materialising inside a Perth shopping centre toilet, naturally.

“Alan,” he says, adjusting his spectral kilt. “Reality’s been hacked. Someone replaced the collective brain of humanity with TikTok challenges.”

Before Alan can respond, the Ghost of Ozzy Osbourne appears… upside down.

“WOOORRRRGHHH,” he mutters, which roughly translates to:
“The Global Busybody Council is up to Commandment Six. They’ve convinced everyone memes are journalism.”

Behind them, Merlin the Magician fumbles with a glowing staff shaped like a traffic cone.

“It’s worse than that,” Merlin says. “Even prophets have lost control. Jesus is selling weed for Mohammed now, and Buddha’s subscribed to three different conspiracy podcasts.”

Meanwhile Mohammed is in the food court trying to barter a kebab combo for WiFi access.
Jesus is hotboxing a stairwell.
Buddha is eating everyone’s leftovers, refusing to move.

The spiritual department is… compromised.

CHAPTER II: TIP TOE TAMMI VS THE INFLUENCERS

Tip Toe Tammi, Australia’s most invisible ninja, sneaks into a TikTok influencer house in Cottesloe. It’s a mansion powered by ring lights and daddy’s money. Inside, five influencers sit around a pool, rehearsing “outrage reactions” for a story they don’t understand.

One influencer whispers, “Guys, did you hear? There’s like… a global plan thingy. Something about seventeen commandments?”

Another nods sagely.
“I saw a meme about it.”

Deep analysis right there.

Tammi rolls her eyes so hard she almost triggers a cyclone.

She steals their phones in five separate dimensions simultaneously.
The influencers don’t notice.
They simply keep ranting to cameras that aren’t there.

CHAPTER III: UNFAZED LACHLAN VS THE MEME LORDS

Somewhere in Northbridge, Unfazed Lachlan is in a dive bar arguing with three self-proclaimed “meme lords” who insist they “know things.”

“Mate,” Lachlan says, sipping his beer, “you’re telling me you formed your entire political worldview from a meme of a depressed frog driving a Commodore.”

“We research!” one meme lord snaps.

“Yeah?” Lachlan asks. “Where?”

“Reddit.”

The table goes silent. Buddha burps in the distance.

Lachlan, still unfazed, flips the meme lord’s laptop around.
They were reading a forum thread titled:
“If Antifa stopped fighting Nazis, would they both cease to exist?”

Lachlan sighs.
“Both teams are funded by the same puppet masters, mate. It’s like watching two hand puppets punch each other while the ventriloquist writes policy.”

One meme lord gasps.
“You’re saying… it’s a distraction?”

“No,” Lachlan replies. “I’m saying you’re the distraction.”

CHAPTER IV: ENTER THE POLITICAL TRINITY OF CHAOS

Trump bursts through a wall like the Kool-Aid Man.
Putin emerges from the shadows with a bear.
Xi lowers from a helicopter with a teacup.

They sit down like a dysfunctional Pokémon evolution chain.

Trump: “Fake news controls the people.”
Putin: “Influencers control the fakes.”
Xi: “Apps control the influencers.”

Alan: “And who controls the apps?”

The room goes quiet.
Only the faint sound of Mohammed microwaving a kebab can be heard.

Finally Putin speaks:
“The Global Busybody Council.”

Everyone nods.

It is known.

CHAPTER V: ANTI-NAZIS VS NAZI-ANTIS VS WHATEVER TF WE’RE CALLING THIS WEEK’S PERFORMANCE

In Perth CBD, Antifa is protesting a neo-Nazi march.
But the neo-Nazis are actually undercover Antifa who infiltrated the neo-Nazis to protest the neo-Nazis who are actually Antifa pretending to be neo-Nazis to expose the neo-Nazis for being Antifa.

Basic Tuesday.

Mel Gibson, carrying a sword, walks down the middle of the chaos and screams:

“Every single person here is cosplaying for the cameras. None of you have read a book. Go home.”

They don’t listen.

They’re too busy livestreaming themselves yelling at each other about oppression while drinking iced lattes that cost more than their dignity.

Meanwhile, Rita Saffioti’s Toll Troll minions quietly install a congestion fee behind them.
Another Busybody Commandment fulfilled.

CHAPTER VI: THE CLIPBOARD CABAL MAKES A MOVE

Deep in a government building, Quentin Turnbull and the Clipboard Cabal gather around a glowing orb filled with trending TikTok sounds.

“This is good,” Turnbull hisses. “The public’s attention span is now shorter than a Perth rental inspection.”

A Cabalist giggles.
“Should we release another outrage cycle?”

Turnbull flips open the Seventeen Commandments and circles:

Commandment 12: Create new problems to justify new solutions.

“Release a fake scandal,” he orders.
“Something about a politician eating a sausage in a non-traditional way.”

The Cabal nods.
Power must maintain itself.

CHAPTER VII: GAL GADOT AND MARK WAHLBERG LEAD A COUNTERATTACK

Gal Gadot descends from the sky wielding a glowing lasso of truth that works only on people with an IQ above 80.
So… not many targets.

Mark Wahlberg arrives with a megaphone shouting:

“WAKE UP. YOU’RE NOT OPPRESSED. YOU’RE DISTRACTED.”

People film him instead of listening.
Naturally.

Gal attempts to lasso a TikTok influencer but the rope slips right through her.

“No soul detected,” Merlin explains.

CHAPTER VIII: THE DRUID SUMMONS THE MEETING

Finally, Alan climbs atop Kings Park at midnight.
The sky cracks open.
Every hero and villain gathers.
Even Rachel Zegler, who complains about the lighting.

Alan speaks.

“The world has turned into a parody of itself. People argue about Nazis and Antifa without knowing what either is. People trust influencers who don’t trust themselves. The media manipulates the influencers. The influencers manipulate the public. And while everyone fights over memes…”

He points to a scroll held by Sean Connery.

“…the Global Busybody Council quietly checks off its Seventeen Commandments.”

Everyone gasps.
Not because they’re shocked.
But because it suddenly hits them:

The distractions were the plan.
The plan was the distraction.

A satirical irony.

CHAPTER IX: FINAL REVELATION — WHAT THEY NEVER WANT US TO SEE

Picture it.

While:

• Neo-Nazis fight Antifa

• Antifa fights Nazis

• Influencers fight logic

• Meme lords fight literacy

• Politicians fight accountability

• Mainstream media fights relevance

• Independents fight everyone

• Celebrities fight boredom

• TikTok fights attention span

…the Global Busybody Council quietly moves to Commandment Seventeen:

“When the citizens are exhausted from drama, implement the next transformation.”

And because everyone is too busy yelling at shadows…

Nobody notices.

Except Alan.
And the Perth Proclaimer crew.

CHAPTER X: THE CALL TO SANITY

Alan steps forward.

“Listen. The world isn’t divided by ideology. It’s divided by attention.
And the ones who control attention control everything.”

The heroes raise their weapons.
The villains reluctantly nod.
The prophets shrug.

It’s time to resist not with violence or outrage, but with awareness.

Real, uncomfortable, deep awareness.

Because in a world engineered for distraction…
clarity is rebellion.

ALAN’S ONE LINER

If the whole world is a distraction, the first act of rebellion is to stop acting like a muppet.